When couples first meet, they are blinded by a surge of emotions, bonding, and feeling on top of the world, which often results in ignoring the red flags in a relationship while basking in all the feels.
It’s not uncommon to have some unrealistic relationship expectations based on this honeymoon stage.
After you spend a lot of time together and start living daily life as a couple, relationship arguments are bound to happen and are a natural part of life. Therefore, knowing how to argue in a healthy way comes in handy no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in.
Most couples are not relationship pros because love coaching is not a mandatory requirement. It would be amazing if it was, though. Without the proper tools and guidance, it’s easy to slip into an endless cycle of fighting.
Tone of Voice or Attitude
Have you ever said, “I’m fine,” but didn’t mean it? Did your partner know you weren’t really fine? Was it because your lips were tightly shut or because you crossed your arms in front of your chest as you said it? When non-verbal cues suggest the opposite of what you are saying, this will confuse your partner, striking up an argument. Conflict and misunderstanding are what happens when attitude does not match verbal message. Similarly, a contemptuous or condescending tone will provoke a defensive response, escalating the conflict.
To have clear verbal and nonverbal communication in relationships, it’s important to make sure your attitude and tone match what you are saying and conveying.
Arguing About Arguing
Knowing how to argue effectively can help prevent unnecessary side arguments such as arguing about the ‘style’ of your arguing. These petty couples’ disagreements are a sign that there is a lack of plan in place to navigate resolution style conflicts. Some people naturally avoid conflict while others prefer open confrontation. So, what happens when opposite arguers get together? It’s best to communicate and set a plan ahead of time – to develop a strategy that promotes active listening and sets aside distraction-free time to discuss issues in a respectful way.
Money
Couples bicker about finances and who pays what. Who should contribute more? Who makes more money? Where is it all going? What should you save for?
It’s completely understandable! You two can be in totally different situations, money imbalance in relationships isn’t uncommon. Regardless of where you are financially, household expenses hang over both of you without discrimination.
Money fights generally signal a lack of communication and trust. With patience, understanding, and above all, listening to and acknowledging how your partner wants to handle finances, you can learn to compromise.
Household Chores
Household chores can certainly put a damper on anyone’s mood. They make life feel simply unfair. These feelings are caused by a perceived notion of imbalance, often leading to pure resentment. Appropriation of chores is often rooted in traditional gender roles and childhood experiences.
Do you know what your partner’s thoughts are on this topic? Are you aware of the level of emphasis that was placed on household chores in your partner’s childhood home? These are the kind of questions you should be asking each other before entering into a serious committed relationship.
It’s best to communicate and strive to understand each other’s perspectives on what is considered tidy enough for both of you. While one of you is seeping with resentment, the other may be completely unaware anything is even wrong. Communication and healthy disagreement habits are incredibly important in order to experience harmonious living.
Relationship With Family
There is the family we are born into and the family we create. Couples might find themselves arguing over their loyalty to one over the other. If a partner feels like their other half is prioritizing the opinion of the birth family over their chosen one, it can be seen as the ultimate form of betrayal. Not knowing how to handle criticism from in-laws can heighten already pre-existing self-judgement and insecurities. Addressing these issues requires (no big surprise…): open communication, clear boundaries, ongoing reassurance, empathy, and self-care.
Amount of Quality Time Spent Together
Couples often argue about how much time to spend together when dating, or what is a healthy amount of quality time in a relationship. Regardless of whether you believe in love languages, everyone has a unique balance between togetherness and individualism. Your partner’s needs for intimacy and personal space may not align with yours. Addressing this issue requires honesty about expectations and a continued open communication without blame shifting or other forms of disrespect.
Life & Health Decisions
Arguing about life and health decisions due to differing beliefs and future priorities is common. It’s a problem when disagreements about treatment plans, religion, science, etc., delay important decisions and cause mental and emotional distress for both partners. It’s top priority to create healthy disagreement habits early on in the relationship to be able to make good life and health decisions as a team, when needed.
Technology Use & Relationships
In a world full of distractions with everything competing for our attention, it’s so easy to slip away into a mindless doom scroll or escape the grind by playing video games. Technology governs our life and without it many feel lost or insignificant. As much as we love our devices, we need human interaction too.
Do you think it’s healthy to be attached to the digital world? Or do you think we try to live too fast and suffer from information overload? Have you ever wondered how your partner feels about it?
Despite your take on screen time and relationships, it’s important to consider the other person’s opinion. Can you think of some ways to stop phubbing (the act of ignoring someone in favor of using a smartphone) each other and meet in the middle for ways you can unplug together?
Personal Habits
Things you may have thought were cute and innocent can really grow into major annoyances overtime. Mutual respect and open communication will come in handy when minor habits and quirks become major gut-wrenching inconveniences. Couples tend to argue about personal habits like leaving dishes unwashed or consistently arriving late, for example. Over time, these small annoyances can accumulate, leading to larger conflicts if not addressed. Effective communication and mutual understanding are essential to navigate habit differences and prevent minor issues from escalating into significant disputes.
Sex
There is so much societal pressure on this sensitive topic. Sexual differences can stem from physical and mental reasons. Discrepancies in libido can cause one partner to feel pressured, while the other feels neglected, creating tension within the relationship. Not to mention, varying comfort levels with sexual activities or feeling shy about expressing sexuality and sex needs can result in misunderstanding, dissatisfaction, and worse. Addressing these issues requires open, honest dialogue, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. I think there is a theme forming here: open and honest communication is the key to resolving conflicts in a relationship. Knowing where your partner stands in their values is also vital. Asking the right leading questions prior to committing can be detrimental.
Friendships Outside of The Relationship
Jealousy can make or break a relationship. Maintaining friendships outside the relationship can be essential to well-being for some, and not as important for others. Again, it’s detrimental to have clear expectations and to openly address concerns over the passage of time as a couple vs time spent with friends. Trust issues play a role here too. Following through on promises and keeping true to your word is essential. Establishing mutually agreed-upon boundaries is crucial in order to navigate these concerns and ensure both partners feel secure and valued.
Gestures of Affection
Not knowing how your partner expresses their feelings and vice versa – not letting your partner know what is important to you when it comes to expressing affection can lead to rejection, misunderstanding, tension, and stress. No surprise, before you commit – have an open dialogue to understand each other’s needs (also referred to as love languages) and establish a balance that honors both partners’ comfort levels and emotional requirements.
Parenting
There are so many different ways to raise a child. One partner may favor a strict overall disciplinary style, while the other prefers a more lenient approach. One of you may think methods opposite from theirs are potentially harmful potentially even thinking they are protecting the child. Pressures like finances or work demands can further influence an already fragile situation. Above all, recognize that you both have your child’s best interests at heart, learn to see your goals as a team, and be willing to understand and integrate each other’s viewpoints to develop a cohesive parenting strategy.
Food Choices
As humans, we have always attached significance to food due to cultural backgrounds and perceptions. Food-related decisions can become a battleground for control and compromise within the relationship. It’s necessary to find common ground that respects both partners’ needs and preferences.
Jealousy
Jealousy is often a reflection of underlying insecurities, fears of abandonment, or perceived threats to the relationship. Trust or lack of can become a catalyst. Self-preservation takes the reigns and can result in destructive behaviors such as checking a partner’s phone or expressing unwarranted suspicions, which can erode trust even more over time. Addressing jealousy requires vulnerable self-reflection, and mutual reassurance to strengthen the relationship’s foundation.
Politics
Political discussions can also bring up a common fear: fear about the future. The underlying issues might include concerns about fairness, or frustrations with societal changes, making debates more emotionally charged because it feels like your partner isn’t respecting your opinion. When communication styles differ—such as one partner being more confrontational while the other prefers avoidance—these disagreements can escalate into full-blown arguments.
Drug or Alcohol Use
One partner may see substance use as harmless or recreational, while the other may view it as a problem that leads to health risks, financial strain, or emotional neglect. Differences in personal experiences—such as past trauma, family history of addiction, or moral beliefs—can really shake things up on the emotional front! If these substances interfere with daily responsibilities, parenting, or emotional connection, they will be seen as the full and only problem and their absence will become the only palpable solution. If communication and boundaries aren’t clearly established, these disagreements can escalate, straining the relationship over time.
Career Decisions
Differences in risk tolerance, personal fulfillment, and long-term goals can make career decisions feel like an overall reflection of relationship priorities. It’s important to recognize that what is important to you may not hold the same value in your partner’s eyes.
Cheating
Infidelity can cause deep feelings of betrayal, hurt, and insecurity, leading to anger and deep resentment. Even suspicions of cheating can create arguments fueled by jealousy, fear, or past experiences. Often, partners have differing opinions of what constitutes as cheating – such as emotional affairs or flirting making it especially difficult to rebuild trust and move forward and making even benign arguments blow up into relationship ending bombs.
Religion
Religion and spirituality are our views on morality that can shape our entire existence. It is completely possible to have extremely separate religious opinions and coexist without major conflict. It’s vital to keep an open mind and continue to respect each other’s differences as you grow to understand and uphold your partner’s opinions and values.
Healthy Solutions to Couples Arguments & Marriage Arguments
I hope you feel less alone. No matter how bad it might seem, if both of you are willing to put in the work, a relationship can be turned around for the better. Here are some solutions you can try. If you feel like you have tried everything or if you’re not sure where to start, I am just a call away and happy to guide you.
How to deal with a defensive partner.
Try to speak calmly and stick to the topic at hand. Table the discussion if it isn’t going anywhere. Take a time out. This doesn’t mean giving the silent treatment. Keep conversation superficial to let things calm down. Do something you enjoy. Then try to discuss it again.
How to show mutual respect in a relationship.
Don’t yell. Discuss. Listen. Don’t interrupt. Respond. Don’t react. Don’t say things just because you can, meaning don’t purposely say hurtful things. Be kind to each other. Move on.
Listen to each other, try to understand each other’s point of view, and validate what your partner is saying – even if you don’t agree yet, it’s reassuring knowing you’re being heard and showing that you listen. Stick to one topic only – do not bring in past topics. Do not hold grudges.
Here are some things you can try when engaging in disagreements in a relationship.
- Actually listen to you partner without interruptions. Don’t just focus on the point you want to prove. You are a team working on a common goal.
- Use “I” instead of you so you don’t shift blame. Try: “I feel neglected when…” instead of “You always neglect me…”.
- Even during heated moments, avoid criticism, sarcasm, or bringing up past situations. Work to preserve your own dignity and fight to defend your partner’s pride.
- If emotions become overwhelming, table the discussion. Agree on a time to revisit the disagreement after a much needed cool down.
- Create and revisit your relationship goals so you can compromise. Think of the two of you as a team working together to build something magnificent
- Try not to exaggerate, using words like “always” or “never,” makes conflicts feel unfair.
- Concentrate on the issue at hand and avoid dredging up the past. Leave the past behind, you are not going in that direction.
Remember that being in a healthy commitment requires regular maintenance. Don’t wait for things to get bad. Schedule time now to set goals and a foundation together. This shows care and mutual respect.
Many assume that love coaching is reserved for struggling couples. Of course, my services are a helping hand that guides you through couples’ disagreements to seek common ground and pull through stronger than ever.
However, relationship coaching can also serve as a proactive and holistic approach to identifying common goals and laying the groundwork for a vibrant love life.
About The Author:
Hi! I’m Julie, a certified relationship coach for couples and singles.
Through my work, I empower couples to break free from patterns of disconnection and not only envision but create a revitalized relationship where love is not only rekindled but strengthened. Together, we explore strategies to reignite passion and growth, fostering a profound connection that stands the test of time.
Other Reads:
before you go
A little love note from Julie
I want to tell you that I’m here for you. If you’re having a tough time with love or just want to make your relationship stronger, I can help.
Everyone deserves a happy relationship where they feel loved and understood. Let’s work together to make that happen for you.
